I actually ate pickles and ice cream the other day. It was a Dairy Queen shake that I sucked down in record time driving home. And then I got home and stuck my head in the fridge looking for something salty to follow up the sugar rush. What did I grab? The Vlasics. Crunchy little devils with plenty o’ salt. I am such a living cliché.

I’m sleepy all the time. I have major ADD. I can’t concentrate on anything. What was I saying? And hungry. Very, very hungry. Desperately so. I have a hunger monkey on my back. It’s a major jones. I don’t just get a rumble in my belly, and think, “Gee, I guess I could eat a little something.” I get an earthquake in my belly, dizzy spells, nausea, and an overwhelming need to EAT RIGHT NOW. And now that my belly is swollen to the size of a beach ball (seven weeks to go) I can’t even fill up. I nibble, I get full. I get hungry again almost immediately. I eat again, I get full, I get hungry. This goes on 24/7. I’m already on my soon-to-be-newborn’s feeding schedule, and the little eating machine isn’t even here yet.

My favorite craving is strawberry milk, but nearly anything edible will do. The upside is that I have avoided the morning sickness part of this whole pregnancy gig – the vomiting, that is, not the nausea — but I can hardly go two hours without food. I wake up in the middle of the night (when I do finally fall asleep, which is violently irritating) and must raid the fridge at midnight, 2 a.m., 4 a.m. etc. It’s ridiculous. I’ve gained way too much weight already, but when you take away my wine and coffee fix, this is the apparent result.