File this one under “weird pregnancy complaints.” My body is bigger front-to-back than it is from side to side. This is a strange feeling, and it’s hard to maneuver. I can’t sit my usual distance from the computer, for example. I have to scoot way back and stretch my arms out to type. As you might imagine, this is seriously stepping on my writing groove.

Driving is similarly difficult. I can barely tippy-toe the clutch in my car, and my belly squishes up against the steering wheel. It feels highly unsafe and I’m pretty sure it is, so I’m pretty much housebound now. This kind of sucks, but it does keep me from having to run errands or shop for groceries, so I guess it’s a wash.

I also have a hard time with oddball household chores. Obviously it’s hard to lean over when you’re nine months pregnant and there’s a beach ball in the way of you and your knees. But you wouldn’t really think about the other kinks in the daily chores, like when I try to put dishes away, and I’m too short and too front-heavy to reach the cabinets in a straightforward manner. I have to sidle up — literally sideways — and do this little lean/tilt/balance-on-one-foot thing so that I can reach up to get to those higher shelves.

And the worst part? It’s really noticeable when I try to squeeze through a tight space. For all of my life previous to this point, turning sideways was a sure way to make myself smaller. I could wiggle past chairs in the dining room, or squiggle through a crowd of people at a concert venue. Now, if I turn sideways, I go BUMP SMACK BOOM with my huge round belly. I plow right into people, chairs, and narrow doorways. I find it embarrassing, and surely kiddo does not appreciate his bedroom being driven so carelessly about.